What If

More often than most, I lose motivation for everything I do. 

There's so much I could say but I can't seem to put it into words.

But what I will say is always thinking "What if..." is the worst feeling in the world. There are a lot of steps I either took a very long time to take or didn't take at all and I've almost always regretted it. Whether it's reaching out for a certain event or opportunity, finishing a project or even something as simple as buying a new item of clothing. Thinking 'what if' destroys my inner peace every single time.

My anxiety always ends up getting the best of me. Those around me may assume I'm just lazy, unprofessional or don't care enough, and I won't try to correct them. I can only correct them if I myself what's going on in this head of mine sometimes. I know there are some out there who probably wonder why I've gone ghost, and there are many more who simply consider it a joke.. But the thing is I can't explain it to them. At the end of the day very few people will understand my daily struggle and I'm totally okay with that. When I'm motivated, I feel like I can conquer the world. But when I'm feeling down it seems like I'll never be able to get back up. 

There's too much going on. I know that time won't wait for me but I will always try my best to catch up. There's a lot I want to accomplish and I will continue to try despite my off days when I feel like I'm running out of time.

I refuse to believe that I only have until my wedding to do what I want with my life. Yes, my responsibilities will increase, but does that mean I have to completely give up on what makes me happy? NO. It definitely doesn't. Marriage just means that although my priorities might change, my dedication to what I do. In the back of my mind I'll always wonder if those who support me are truly there or if they're just saying it.

The mind is crazy. It controls the way you think and act. For me, it causes me to overthink and fear for the worst at every given moment. It convinces me to give up more often than it should. It makes me believe that my passions for writing, hosting, etc will never amount to anything. I'm constantly wondering 'What if I took control of my mind a year ago, 2 years, 4 years? Where would I be right now?'. I wish taking control of my anxiety was as easy as everyone makes it seem, but it's a difficult process, and every day I get closer to figuring myself out. Slowly but surely, I will overcome everything that's bringing me down. Sometime in the future I will think "What if I never took those first steps to overcoming my negative thoughts?" I'll wonder 'What if I refused to believe in myself?" but I'll never give myself the opportunity to say "What if I took that chance? or "What if I went along with this opportunity?".