A Letter To My Dad


I hope that wherever you are you're able to read this. I hate knowing that you can see me but I can't see you. There's no way I can ever speak to you again. Dad, I really miss your hugs. Sometimes the only thing I want is a hug from you and that will never happen again no matter what I do. When you were here you never let me shed a tear, but since you left I've had hundreds of tears streaming down my face every single night. I hate that every time I pick up the phone to call you I realize you won't be answering at the other end. A father is supposed to be the one man who won't ever hurt his daughter, but you hurt me Dad, you hurt me a lot. You hurt me by leaving. You hurt me without even saying goodbye. If I knew that one night saying "good night, I love you" would be the last time I got to say it to you I would have repeated it on the phone all night. You hurt me by not telling me about your heart. You lied Dad. Why couldn't you just tell me? You told me everything, every single little thing. If you told me we would be preparing to celebrate your birthday in 2 months. If you told me we wouldn't be here mourning your loss on the 1st anniversary of the day you left. You always told me you couldn't live without me and everything you were doing was for me. But you were selfish Dad. You were so selfish that you knew you couldn't live without me but you didn't stop for a minute to think about the fact that I CAN'T LIVE WITHOUT YOU.
You were always there. You were there when you had to do my hair before you dropped me off at pre-school. You were there when I got glasses in kindergarten. You were there when mom cut my hair too short and made me look like a boy. You were there every time I was sick. You were there every time I had a school project. You were there when mom couldn't be because she was at work. No one else was there but you. We were a team Dad, and you broke the team apart. Where are you now Dad? Where are you now that I'm nearly 23 and I need your help? When I used to cry for you, you'd run to me in a heartbeat. But where are you now? Where are you now when I cry and cry and cry hoping you'll come to my rescue? Where are you when I feel so trapped that an open field seems way too small? You were there when I couldn't even decide what colored shirt to wear to school the next day. You were there when I would want a toy but mom said no and you would buy it for me without telling her just to see me smile. Where are you now that my smiles are only temporary? Where are you when I'm figuring out some of the biggest aspects of my life? You were the only one who would ever understand how much pain I was in, so where are you now that I'm hurting on a daily basis? Where are you when I fall to the floor and cry in pain, the pain that was caused by losing you? Where are you even though you know that Mom will NEVER understand me and my pain? Where are you when I need you to read someone like a book and tell me their true colors before I experience myself? I don't know where you are, but you're not here, where you need to be. No matter what ANYONE tries to say, they don't understand and they never will... not even Mom. You were the only person I could cry in front of. Where are you now that I need you to hold me in your arms and tell me things are alright? Where are you to make those funny faces when I'm feeling my worst?
I fell to the ground today Dad. I fell to the ground and cried and screamed for you like I did the day I found out you had left me forever. You weren't there then and you weren't there today. You weren't there to pick me up like you were every time I wasn't smiling. There's an empty place in my heart Dad. I'm reminded of it every single second of my life. It's torturing me Dad. It's torturing me because you're not here to make the pain go away.  This place where Mom and I live, it no longer feels like a home. It simply feels like a house. It feels cold even when it's 90 degrees outside. When you left you took the warmth and everything else that made this place feel like home. I stare at your favorite spot on the couch. I stare at your watch and your glasses that I now have sitting next to my bed basically collecting dust, because you're not here to wear them. I stare at your favorite pen that you used to write with for hours and hours a day at work. It hasn't been touched since your last day on the job. I stare at your briefcase that you took everywhere with so much pride. Now it's just filled with meaningless paperwork. Thousands of words are typed out on those papers, your signature at the end of many of them. Those words now mean nothing. As much as I try to convince myself that you're still with us, you're not. That signature now symbolizes someone who used to be. It reminds me of how I would spend hours a day as a little kid scribbling on papers next to you pretending to do something important, just like you were.
You didn't know you wouldn't live to see the next morning. But how could someone who always made sure I took my medicines on time just casually forget to take his? If God gave me one more chance to see you I would hug you so tight and never let you go. There wouldn't be any possible way for you to slip away again. Daddy, my heart is still shattered into a million pieces and these pieces get smaller and smaller as time goes on. As much as I try to push myself to move on I can't. Sometimes I even wish I could have gone with you. Sometimes I lose the strength to move on and I just want to sit here and cry day and night, but I know I can't. You taught me better.

Even though I want to scream and cry every time someone mentions you, I keep my feelings bottled up and simply shrug and say "That's life".

As much as I miss you, I'm glad you're in a better place. I'm glad you're away from all of those who hurt and betrayed you. I'm glad now we see who truly cared for you, and who truly cares for us. I'm glad you don't have to fight the world anymore and you can finally be at peace.